Fear Driven

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Karla
Posts: 16
Joined: Wed Jul 31, 2019 10:10 am

Fear Driven

Post by Karla » Tue Sep 10, 2019 8:24 pm

So I have come to the realization that every single drop of alcohol I ever consumed was related to fear. And I am an alcoholic (in recovery since 2013) so that’s a lot of drops of alcohol.

All of my character defects – those pesky little things that I default to like lying, omitting, telling someone what I think they want to hear instead of what I really think – are all because of fear. Fear drives me to become disingenuous. It drives me far, far away from my authentic self. It is the main reason why I nearly died due to my alcoholism.

Fear of not measuring up. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of abandonment. Fear of failure. As time passed, those fears did not go away, but more were added. Especially fear of discovery. Alcoholism was a secret I attempted to keep well hidden. So I lied more, deceived more, manipulated more, to avoid the risk of someone finding out my secret. Mainly because, if I was found out, someone might try to make me stop drinking.

The opposite of fear is faith. Therefore, at the worst of my addiction, I had absolutely no faith. That’s true! I did not think I was good enough to deserve to even keep living. I had no faith that I could stop drinking, or that life could be happy and fun and worth living even without my alcohol. I had zero faith in myself. I no longer let God into my life, I hid from Him. I was so scared of everything. I was running, and lying, and hiding, and trying to remember what I already had lied about and to whom….the process was exhausting.

If only I had stopped drinking years earlier.

If only I had never started.

Alas, I cannot change the past, so I simply have to move forward and learn from my mistakes. I can tell you, that nearly six years into recovery, the faith and the fear are on more even footing. I would give them about a fifty fifty split. I am able to talk myself down from the fear now, and talk to someone – sponsor, partner, friend, counselor – before they lead me to do stupid stuff like lie or, worse, drink.

My goal would be to have about 75% faith, 25% fear. Fear is a gift, if not over-utilized. I don’t want to be fearless, because then I might be just plain stupid and ignorant of warning signs, red flags, signs of danger. But, I don’t want fear to be driving my life anymore!

With a program of recovery, which for me includes medication and counseling and a 12 step program, I can truly say that it is better. Fears are less. My ability to think rationally is back and sharp. I am more decisive in some areas of my life. Others, particularly financial fears, still can send me spiraling into paralysis and indecision. I am working on it.

And about that happy in sobriety thing? It’s real.

It’s awesome

It’s a work in progress.

I am a work in progress too - half full of faith and half full of fear. It sure is a lot better than it was when I was drinking.

Would love to hear your thoughts.
Karla

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